i am enough

I have a safe place that I go to
and I feel alive there

This is where I love
and this is where I feel

I will not posture to make myself understood
and I learned you never saw me anyway

What if there were no reasons to be loved
and i just was?
What if I didn't have to prove myself?
What if in that look in your eyes I could see myself, pure and beautiful
Not larger than life, just me
No excuses, no stories, no justifications, no rules
Only me and you

What if I told you I've seen this place
and I've been inside this place
I have crawled inside this place
and why wouldn't i want to stay there?

There is no meanness or judging in his angel face
and he is continually reminding me that I am safe
I am touchable, kissable, lovable and wholly cherrished

He looks into me, not through me or at me
and his mouth will not be without smile or his eyes without sparkle
He asks nothing from me, takes nothing from me
I am enough for him
I am me
and i am enough

Do you HEAR me? Can you see me? You did not know it was me.
I am screaming at you now
THIS is love, you fucking cold and heartless man

I have a safe place that I go to now
There I am alive
and there i am loved

Human in a Fish Tank; No Way Out

Its a burning, deep, and heartfelt ache
It chokes me
Wants to swallow me
Ever tempting me to give into it
Give up

Let it wash you away
There is only ever one perfect love
The one who knows you best
Better than you know yourself
The one who makes everything real

And now I float...

I loved that boy like I was his mother
Why would I need a boy to love?
I have boys to love

I picked this one over all the others
He's the biggest and most gentle
Like my brother

There was another in the group
He liked to show off his muscles
I picked the one who could beat him

Every night there is a contest
I picked the winner
He always wins
He's the biggest

I call him Kimi
Kimi is a true Finish boy
He's solid and nothing hurts him

Kimi lost his mother when he was 9
Now he lives his life for his father and his brother
Nothing is more important than family

Kimi's father was an orphan at 13
His parents were trapped in a car
Humans in a fish tank
No way out

You have to stop
I feel that ache
Your losses are choking me
I've given into it

But now you aren't cradled in my arms
And I'm not stroking your beautiful, silky hair
You were a baby in my arms
I would have taken care of you forever

Just don't say goodbye
I can't stand to see you walk away again
Stay
Tell me I should never be alone
We should never be alone

travelor's notes

Let's go backward
Tonight Thai food
Sweet. Spicy
English Irish pub in the front
Smoking in the bar
Not at the bar

Look right, not left
Two story buses and
More BMW's than I can count
No one is fat?

Last night. Sushi
Korean gentleman displays fish
Beautiful, seductive. Fish
Unforgettable
What's the proper way to eat it?
Pick it up. Eat it with your fingers

We are foreigners
Here because we don't know anything. Really.

Lunch today
Humus
From a store selling clothing in the front
Why can't I get good humus like this at home?
Home. Hm.

First meal in London
Persian
Is that Greek?
There was Lamb
Sacrificial lamb
When in Rome

Not to forget the very first travel oddity
OK. Different. Not odd. Unfair
Don't look for the switch on the lamp
Look for the button on the wall
When the light is on
The light is off
Turn the button light off to turn the light on
Have you got it?

Figure this one out. It's a puzzle
There is a button for 'Do not Disturb'
Do I turn the light on to turn the 'Do not Disturb' off?
Does this mean that I will be disturbed?
I've tried it both ways now
The result has been the same
It's on, so it's off
I should be disturbed. Right?
Tomorrow I find out if the rules apply to 'Make up Room'

I think I need another Pride
Watch the football on the wide screen
Try to catch the conversation in the corner

A Celebration of My Daughter

Yesterday I found a science experiment in my daughter's room. The test tube just happened to be my Nalgene bottle. I think it all started with a late night cocktail of sorts. I'm not sure why she chose to mix it in the unbreakable Old Navy container reserved especially for long hikes and road trips, but I've learned from my daughter over these eighteen years that it is better to observe with wonder than to question.

In every way my daughter is extraordinary. She's not fond of hearing this story, but even her arrival back to this planet is nothing short of a miracle. This one's existence is a result of truthfully the worst blinding snowstorm I've ever seen. I spent my childhood visiting grandparents in both Nebraska and North Dakota, so I have seen all that the Great Plains have to offer in the way of winter show stoppers. She would "be". She would stop the car, stop the trip, bring the two people together who would be her parents. Under what twisted universal law of destiny or fate would I be given the privilege of being this girl's mother?

My mother likes everything in neat and tidy packages. There is a certain order to her life that must be present to keep her sanity in tact. I wasn't given permission to stray from anything less than what would fit neatly into my mother's vision of the way things aught to be. Our lives are full of the mistakes we make, the people affected by them and the lessons learned. True to life's form, this story, the one where I become Meg's mother, isn't an entirely happy one, but... it does have a happy ending.

I won't say that I wasn't a good mother, but at my worst I was a grim combination of my parent's most unflattering "character defects" ( I love that. It's so kind.) Let's redirect. This isn't an ode to my not getting Mother of the Year award several years running, this is a humbling observation of who my daughter is, completely separate from me, perhaps in spite of me and maybe even because of me. Let there be no misunderstanding, she is the inspiration. I could write a book about her.

Here is the gift, in a nutshell and I can't say how it happened, but over these past half dozen years I've rejected my mother's need to put it all in a box, along with my father's anger and self loathing. What's left is my daughter in all her glory and every day I soak her up and love every single thing about her.

I love that her room is chaos. I love that her socks never match. She holds up her hands to remember her left from right. She likes to buy muffins from Starbucks for the homeless in Philadelphia. She is completely unmoved and unchanged by convention. She makes me laugh, and there is no better experience than making her laugh, and I can.

All in one unbelievable package, music flows beautifully from her lips, words tumble effortlessly out her fingers and onto the page, paint shapes itself into art on her walls, clothing forgets its original purpose and is born again on her.

I have a belief buried inside me that it is I, the parent who will shape my children and send them into the world ready to accept life on life's terms. What is not so often reported are the children who will have been an inspiration to their parents. When I found the science experiment in her bedroom yesterday, I was delighted. As I rinsed the quarter inch of new life off the bottom of the bottle, I laughed out loud. This was an occasion for celebration that would not be overlooked or missed. Thank you, Meg.

Bye Girl

See ya sweetie.
Bye girl. I'll call you.
I know you will..

you said it was the Chevy
but i say it was you in that window
seeing how you just want to be loved
and that's all anyone wants really

we sat like two stacked chairs
and you said i am eccentric
and you just felt like home to me
i only wanted to stay forever

it was just a kiss on Valentine's Day
knowing you would leave
and i would remain unseen
the perfect agony that follows

except for that sweet, beckoning voice of yours
you are far from perfect
couldn't we just
be perfect for each other?

i dreamed a forever lover

i dreamed the gift of forever
imagined looking back on a single love
wrapped my arms around the same man
night after night

we'd be comfortable in our morning shorts
our morning breath
watch our body parts sag
laugh at our mostly graying hair

but the motion is broken
the effort given up
left by the wayside to rot
wasn't for me forever

so tease me with love
make me believe its real
a gift of forever
love comes along

but i know better
had love and wrinkled fingers intertwined
chose insanity over a golden anniversary
love comes along once

here we are broken
broken i am
summoning arms around me
never the same arms

i dreamed a forever lover...

rinse and repeat

a steady flow of alcohol, THC and nicotine
rinse and repeat

i want the night we slept in your bed
you traced my curves and pulled my body close to yours
i felt the early morning air and the unusually high tempature of our bodies
we laughed about how clothing and sleep never go together
and i remember what you said...
those cotton panties you're wearing are so fucking hot.
my heart skipped and i knew you weren't like the rest
you had dreams of me, but still i was free
curiosity, desire and pleasure... nothing more than bells on my toes

you are not safe
you and i entered the tent with the throbbing music
wided eyed, we saw that people never sleep
the sun threatened to rise above the horizon
there were no rules
just a steady flow of alcohol, THC and nicotine
rinse and repeat

i'm trying to remember all of your words
Would it be all right if I go down on you?
Oh my god, look at you!
Would it be alright if I get a condom and put myself inside of you?
i nodded to all of your questions
i couldn't possibly be any higher
you traced my curves again and pulled my body close to yours
i could feel you wanting me again and i smiled
you remembered what i said...
I gotta get me some more of that.

i am not safe
you laughed and smiled and you were so fucking into me
you took what you wanted
everything you said was more of what i needed
nothing was missing and i was satisfied
come here you dirty girl.
i have to have you now.

it's all running together now... a steady stream of alcohol, THC and nicotine
oh my god, Kate, you are so much fucking fun.
i like the way you think.
rinse and repeat

and i remember everything you said to me that night
i could do this all night long.
maybe fall asleep with my cock inside of you, would you like that?
i came and you didn't
you took me from behind
you cleaned yourself and then we slept
in the morning you felt my curves and pulled my body close

i volunteered to get you off
how would you like to finish me?
would you swallow me?
you came and i swallowed you
rinse and repeat